When God feels far: Mark's long quiet season

Mark had served on the worship team at his church in Davao for twelve years. He set up the sound system at 6 a.m., played guitar for two services and stayed to stack the chairs. People called him Kuya Mark, even the ones older than him.

The year he turned 33, something went quiet inside him. He still played every Sunday. He still knew every chord. At home, though, his prayers felt like they hit the ceiling and fell back down. He opened his Bible and the pages felt like paper.

It spread. Food lost its taste. He slept badly and woke up tired. He snapped at his wife over nothing, then sat in the car for twenty minutes before going into the house. Weeks turned into months.

One Sunday after service, he sat in the empty sanctuary while the others had lunch. He whispered, "Lord, nasaan Ka?" Nothing seemed to answer. He felt like a fraud for leading songs about joy.

He whispered, "Lord, nasaan Ka?"

For a believer, a season like this carries extra weight. Mark felt low, and on top of that he felt guilty for feeling low. Wasn't he supposed to have joy? Wasn't faith supposed to fix this?

He had heard people say that depression comes from weak faith or hidden sin. So he confessed everything he could think of and prayed longer. When nothing changed, he decided the problem was him.

Some well-meaning friends made it worse. One told him to claim his joy. Another said he must be under spiritual attack. Mark nodded, thanked them and went home feeling more alone than before.

Depression can dull the feelings you used to have in prayer and worship, the same way it dulls the taste of food or the joy of a good song. That flat feeling convinced Mark that God had left. It was the heaviness talking, and it sounded a lot like his own voice.

He kept serving because stopping felt like admitting failure. Nobody at church knew. He was the one people came to when they needed help.

His wife, Liezl, finally said it. "Hindi ka okay, Mark. Kausapin mo si Pastor." He almost didn't go. He was afraid of being told to pray harder.

Pastor Ed listened for an hour without interrupting. Then he opened to Psalm 42 and read it slowly. "The man who wrote this felt the same heaviness," he said. "He kept talking to God anyway. Your questions are still prayers." Then he added something Mark didn't expect: "I also want you to see a doctor. God works through doctors too."

Your questions are still prayers.

Mark saw a doctor the following month. The doctor diagnosed depression, started treatment and referred him to a counselor. It took several weeks before he noticed a difference. The first sign was small: one morning the coffee tasted like coffee again.

He stepped back from the worship team for three months. The worship leader told him, "Your place is here when you're ready. Rest ka muna." Mark sat in the back row with Liezl and let other people lead the songs.

His prayers changed shape. Some days they were one line, with Psalm 42:11 written on a sticky note on his dashboard. Some days he sat in silence and trusted that God was there even when he couldn't feel it. A few men from his small group started texting him every Friday: "Kape tayo?" Most Fridays he said yes.

Liezl stayed close through all of it. Most evenings she sat with him on the porch, sometimes talking, sometimes just listening to the rain.

It was a slow season, close to a year. When Mark picked up his guitar again, he played the same songs. They meant more now. He knew what it was like to sing them from the dark.

If you believe and still feel empty, your faith is still there. Many people in the Bible felt far from God and kept talking to Him anyway. Tell Him exactly how it feels. That counts as prayer.

Seasons like Mark's do end. Many people come out of them with a quieter, steadier faith, one that knows God stays even when the feelings go.

Tell one person too: a pastor, a small group leader, a friend who will listen. If the heaviness lasts more than two weeks, or you have lost interest in things you used to enjoy, see a doctor or counselor. Getting medical help is part of caring for the life God gave you, and help works.

When you want somewhere to start, HopeBegins is free and faith-driven. Pick how you feel and you get one small thing to try today, calming tools, someone to pray for you, and an e-coach you can message on Messenger. For heavy days, read Bible verses for when you feel down.