New mom, heavy heart: the signs Ana almost missed

Ana and her husband Joel waited four years for a baby. When Gabby was born in March, half the family came to the hospital in Calamba. Her mother packed a bag that same week and moved into their small house in Laguna to help.

Everyone said the same thing. "You must be so happy." Ana smiled and said yes. Then she went to the bathroom, turned on the faucet so nobody would hear, and cried.

Then she went to the bathroom, turned on the faucet so nobody would hear, and cried.

It didn't stop after the first week. By the second month she cried most afternoons. She felt flat when Gabby smiled at her, and then guilty for feeling flat. She snapped at Joel over small things, like the way he folded the lampin. At three in the morning, feeding the baby, she thought: maybe Mama is a better mother to him than I am.

Her mother noticed first. One afternoon she took Gabby from Ana's arms, sat beside her on the bed and asked, "Anak, ilang araw ka nang ganyan?" Ana couldn't answer. She shook her head and cried harder.

Ana had heard of the baby blues. Many new moms feel weepy, moody and overwhelmed in the first two weeks after giving birth, and it usually eases on its own. So she told herself that was all it was, and waited.

It didn't pass. The low mood stayed for weeks. She lost interest in things she used to enjoy, slept badly even when Gabby slept, and felt worthless as a mother. Somewhere inside she knew these were signs to take seriously. She was too afraid to say them.

Shame was the biggest wall. She had prayed for this child. How could she feel this way about the answer to her prayer? She worried people at church would think her faith was weak, and that her relatives would call her ungrateful.

And she was exhausted. Feeding every two to three hours, healing from the birth, visitors every weekend. When you are that tired, it is hard to tell where tiredness ends and something heavier begins.

Her mother kept it simple. "Sasamahan kita. Sabihin natin sa doktor mo." The next week, at her postpartum checkup, Ana told her OB the truth: the crying, the flat feeling, the thought at three in the morning.

Her OB listened calmly. She told Ana this happens to many mothers, that it is treatable, and that saying it out loud was exactly the right thing to do. She referred Ana to a doctor who could help, and Ana started treatment. Over the next weeks, slowly, the heaviness lifted.

At home, the family changed a few things. Joel took the 2 a.m. feeding on weekdays so Ana could sleep one long stretch. Her mother took Gabby for a walk every afternoon, the hour Ana used to cry the most, and Ana used it to shower, eat a warm meal or simply lie down.

Joel learned too. He read about postpartum depression on his phone during lunch breaks and stopped taking her sharp words personally. "Pagod ka lang at may pinagdadaanan ka, mahal. Nandito ako," he told her one night.

Ana stopped hiding, too. She told two friends from church, both moms. One of them said, "Ako rin, noong panganay ko." Ana had never known. They started a group chat where they could send anything, even "rough day" at four in the morning.

Ana had never known.

She prayed in small pieces. Isaiah 40:31 was taped on the cabinet above the bottle sterilizer, and she read it while the water boiled. Some days that was the only prayer she had, and it was enough for that day.

If you are a new mom and you feel low, numb or overwhelmed, it says nothing bad about you as a mother. Your body and your whole life changed at once.

Feeling weepy in the first two weeks is common. If the low mood lasts longer than two weeks, or it gets in the way of caring for yourself or your baby, talk to your OB or a doctor. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, tell your doctor right away. That is a normal next step, and help works.

If you are thinking of ending your life, call the NCMH Crisis Hotline, 24/7: 1553 or 0917 899 8727. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Today, let someone take one thing off your hands, even one feeding or one hour. When you are ready for a small next step, HopeBegins is free. Pick how you feel and you get one small thing to try today, calming tools for the 3 a.m. feeds, someone to pray for you, and an e-coach you can message on Messenger. The page I feel depressed is a gentle place to start.