No motivation for anything: how color came back to Migs's days

Migs was a freelance video editor in Baguio. He used to be the first to suggest an ukay run on Session Road or a late-night game online with the barkada. In August, little by little, he lost interest in all of it.

First it was food. A pandesal in the morning, coffee, and then nothing until night. Then it was gaming. He would open his laptop, stare at the game and close it again. Even his projects, which he used to love, started to feel like a load to carry.

Even his favorite adobo at the karinderya on the corner, the one he used to order twice, he could no longer finish. The tindera noticed. "Diet ka, Migs?" He just smiled.

In the group chat he left everything on "seen." "Migs, sama ka mamaya?" "Pass muna, pre. Pagod." Yet he spent the whole day lying in bed, staring at the ceiling while the rain came down outside.

One Sunday his mother called from Pangasinan. "Anak, kumain ka na ba?" "Opo," he said, though he hadn't. After the call he thought, "What's happening to me? Nothing's wrong, and I've lost interest in everything."

Nothing's wrong, and I've lost interest in everything.

The hard part for Migs was that he couldn't point to a reason. No breakup, no death, and he still had work. So he scolded himself: "Ang arte mo. Tamad ka lang." It only made him feel heavier.

What he didn't know then was that a long stretch of losing interest in things you used to enjoy can be a sign of depression. That is even more likely when it comes with changes in sleep and appetite, a tiredness that doesn't lift, and trouble focusing. It is a real feeling, and there is help for it.

His sleep had changed too. Some nights he fell asleep at three; other days he slept twelve hours and still woke up tired. He had no energy even to shower, and answering a client's email felt like climbing a mountain.

He also lived alone and worked from home. Nobody saw him all day, so nobody noticed. And because he was quiet, the barkada assumed he was just busy with projects.

Three weeks passed, then five. That was when he got scared.

The first step was a text to Kevin, his oldest friend: "Pre, parang may mali sa'kin. Ilang linggo na akong walang gana sa lahat." Kevin didn't lecture. He came over the next day with lugaw, and they sat on the terrace while the fog was still out.

It was Kevin who said, "Pa-check ka kaya, pre? Baka higit pa 'to sa pagod." Migs felt embarrassed, and he agreed anyway. He booked an appointment with a doctor, who asked about his sleep, his eating and how long it had been going on. The doctor referred him to a psychiatrist, and he started treatment and counseling.

Relief came slowly. After a few weeks he noticed it was easier to get up. Coffee tasted good again. He laughed at a meme in the group chat and surprised himself.

While he waited for treatment to work, he did small things. A walk every morning, even just ten minutes, on the road lined with pine trees near his place. One real meal a day, even a simple one. One message in the group chat, even just an emoji.

Every Saturday Kevin messaged: "Lakad tayo?" Sometimes Migs said yes, sometimes no. Kevin kept asking every week, and that was how Migs knew someone was waiting for him.

He prayed too, even if only briefly. Some days his whole prayer was, "Lord, I have no drive for anything. Please stay with me." He read Psalm 42:11, where the writer talks to his own soul, and he sensed that God knows this kind of heaviness.

Lord, I have no drive for anything. Please stay with me.

He also told two clients he needed longer deadlines. Both agreed, and one even messaged a week later to ask how he was.

If this is you right now, lying in bed with no interest even in your favorite food or game, what you feel is real, even if you can't point to a reason. There is help for it, and you can start small.

Today, pick one: go outside for ten minutes, eat one real meal, or text one person how you really feel. And if you have a friend who has gone quiet these past weeks, text them too. Sometimes one "Kumusta ka talaga?" is what a person needs to start talking.

If it has been two weeks or more, or it's getting hard to work, study or look after yourself, talk to a doctor or counselor. That is a normal next step, and help works.

If you are thinking of ending your life, call the NCMH Crisis Hotline, 24/7: 1553 or 0917 899 8727. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

If you want somewhere to start today, HopeBegins is free. Pick how you feel and you get one small thing to try today, calming tools, someone to pray for you, and an e-coach you can message on Messenger. Read I feel depressed for what to do next.